Despite bringing approximately zero legitimate surprises, this morning’s Apple event was still entertaining. Some of that, of course, was the products themselves. (New iPads! New pencil stylus! New Xbox One Apple TV! New lowercase “s” for the iPhone 6!) But more of it was because over the past decade or two, Apple has learned how to elevate Boring Tech Presentation to High Spectacle. They arguably brought Hollywood sparkle to Silicon Valley, and at this point there’s not a tech or videogame (or comic book or movie) company that doesn’t emulate them.

Apple events are so Hollywood, in fact, that we figured we’d take the idea to its logical endpoint. There are already a bajillion movies about Steve Jobs—Alex Gibney’s documentary just came out last week, and Danny Boyle’s movie Steve Jobs opens next month—so why not one about the events themselves? First step: casting all the Apple folks from this morning’s event. (There were nine other people presenting demos, but we’re trying to stick to Apple in case Adobe or Gilt has a hot biopic of their own in the works.) Next up, the screenplay. Um, anyone have a copy of Final Draft?

Apple/Maarten de Boer/Getty ImagesTim Cook (CEO): Victor Garber
It’s always tough to start at the top, but this one was tougher than we’d anticipated. Then again, given that his predecessor Jobs could be portrayed by everyone from Ashton Kutcher to Michael Fassbender, we knew we had some leeway. It’s not Garber’s gray hair that ultimately convinced us—it’s that he’s a mild-mannered dude who can go steely (or crack wise) when he needs to. And let’s be honest: all he really needs to do is is walk around with an untucked oxford on. Apple/Jim Spellman/Getty ImagesJeff Williams (Senior Vice President, Operations): Bryan Cranston
Dylan Baker also has a little bit of Williams’ lanky, aw-shucks vibe, but he’s a little busy trying to save people from fires, so we’re more than happy to turn to Heisenberg himself. When it comes to crowing about Apple Watch’s success, Cranston is an obvious choice to play the one who squawks. Apple/Melissa Moseley/HBO
Phil Schiller (SVP, Worldwide Marketing): Jeff Daniels
There are a lot of ways to go for one of Apple’s go-to employees: Tim Allen, Donnie Most, even a now-with-more-gravitas Andrew Dice Clay. But we can’t think of anyone we’d rather shepherd us through a wonderland of tech-spec promises like Will McAvoy himself. Apple/Paul Schiraldi/HBO
Eddy Cue (SVP, Internet Software and Services): Alfred Molina
That’s it. We’re done here. Apple/Frank Micelotta/FOX
Jen Folse (Senior Design Producer, Apple TV): Nasim Pedrad
Folse was the only female Apple employee to take the stage today (the full count included 3D4Medical’s Irene Walsh, Gilt’s Michelle Paluso, and an anonymous model on an iPad Pro), and immediately brought to mind Mary Elizabeth Winstead—but something about the way she confessed her metalhead tendencies felt like only an SNL alum could do it justice. Apple/Allen Berezovsky/Getty Images
Craig Federighi (SVP, Software Engineering): Scott Bakula
We ran through quite a few possibilities here. A young Harry Dean Stanton? Mitt Romney? Trivago Guy? The truth of the matter is that he’s a dead ringer for a clean-shaven Frank Zappa, but Zappa…well, Zappa’s dead. Our man Bakula gives the steely-handsome-dude vibe we’re looking for, with the added bonus of being able to quantum-leap back to make sure that whole Apple Maps thing never happened. Apple/Universal Pictures
Jonathan Ive (Chief Design Officer): Jason Statham
Honestly, our top choice would be Sluggo, but thankfully we know a flesh-and-blood human who’s made similar tonsorial choices—and already has a pretty decent British accent.Go Back to Top. Skip To: Start of Article.