Good news, everyone! Apple may not be doomed! (Offer not legally binding, void where prohibited.)

Writing for Fortune, S. Kumar tells us “How the new iPhone could save Apple”.

Could! Might not, though. Still up in the air if Apple will be “saved”. Still… there’s a chance! That’s at least something for Tim Cook and crew to hold onto. Other than all the money, of course.

Now, we all know that Apple lives under a constant cloud of doom. That much was foretold in ancient prophecy. What is unclear from this headline, however, is what Apple needs to be “saved” from. Is it eternal damnation? The unbearable loneliness of a dark, unforgiving universe? Or is it corn snakes? A dumpster full of corn snakes?

No, it’s not selling as many iPhones as analysts mis-project them to sell.

Apple is expected to unveil its latest device, the iPhone 6s (or 7), on September 9 in what should be a sigh of relief for investors, who have had a tough ride this week.

Investors had a rough week. Please, give generously to the Save The Investors fund.

Despite CEO Tim Cook’s assurance that China’s economic difficulties should not adversely impact the tech giant’s sales, the company’s stock is still trading below its $115 a share level just a few weeks ago, even after the robust market rally on Thursday, and far below its 52-week high of $134.54 a share.

Like so many of his colleagues, Kumar seems to be confusing Apple the company with AAPL the stock. Yes, AAPL is well down from its 52-week high. It’s also up 10 percent over the last year while the Dow is down 6.3 percent over the same period. And as a major part of the Dow, AAPL is a major reason why it isn’t worse. But, yes, let’s talk about “what’s wrong with Apple” instead of what’s wrong with all these other companies.

Investors are worried about the company for many reasons, including competition from low-cost Chinese smartphone makers…

Is there a tablet written in Sanskrit somewhere that says “LOW COST DEVICES WILL ONE DAY DESTROY APPLE”? Because the Macalope doesn’t get why so many people subscribe to this dogma when it’s completely disproven by reality every year.

…and only modest traction for Apple Music and Apple Pay.

Say, how’s CurrentC doing?

Apart from mixed evidence about adoption numbers, Apple Music had a bit of a rough start, from Eddy Cue’s dancing to Jim Dalrymple’s rage quit. Every year we act surprised that Apple can fumble something. The next year we repeat the process as if it’s never happened before.

Despite the absurd premise he’s working from, Kumar gets the rest right.

Force touch is also new enough to encourage buyers to replace their existing phones…

The Macalope would prefer to go back to a 4-inch phone, but it doesn’t seem like Apple would be offering a new one this year. Even if they were, though, it likely wouldn’t have the new features of the 6S like the reported force touch, making it much less attractive. What’s a mythical beast to do?

Another factor working in Apple’s favor is that while the company may have a hard time outdoing its blockbuster sales for the iPhone 6, new equipment installment plans from wireless carriers might encourage adoption for the new iPhone by consumers.

Wait, wasn’t the death of so-called “subsidies” supposed to doom the iPhone? Are you saying something the Macalope read on the Internet isn’t true? Well, now the Macalope’s seen everything.

Apple sold a mess o’ iPhone 6 and 6 Pluses last year (the Macalope thinks that’s the official number). It might be hard to blow past that again this year but they’ve shown they’re pretty good at playing this game. As far as “saving” goes, this isn’t exactly 1995.