If the Macalope knows one thing it’s that the way to solve the problem of people yelling “FIRE!” in crowded movie houses is to yell “TOO MANY PEOPLE YELL ‘FIRE!’ IN CROWDED MOVIE HOUSES!” in a crowded movie house.

Writing for The Next Web, Mic Wright complains: “Here’s what will happen when the new iPhone is announced: Apple is too predictable.”

The slug for this piece is “one-more-thing-give-us-your-money-punks”. Because Wright is shocked — SHOCKED! — to find there is capitalism going on here!

Apple, how could you?

Apple has… put out an invite! Smash the glass on the emergency alarm. Call out the national guard. Fire up the hot take machine. Or… get a grip.

Hot takes are out. Cold takes are in.

We’ve got to stop playing this game.

This game where technology sites cover technology news. We have to stop. These games only end in tears, baby.

There’s a lot of dumb coverage in technology. No doubt about that. It’s kind of the horny one’s raison d’être. The Macalope even recently complained about some silly negative coverage about Samsung. But covering product cycles is basically what technology coverage is all about. If you really hate it, maybe you’re in the wrong business.

Of course, the reason is traffic. Apple means traffic. I’m writing this because it annoys me, but realistically, a post about Apple will also mean tasty traffic.

Way to not be the change you want to see in the world.

“Too many people write about Apple! I’d better write about that.”

The bloggers will blog. The tweeters will tweet.

Somewhere a dog will bark. One leaf slowly falls to the ground in an empty field in upstate New York. An old man dies as a murder of crows takes flight. An untouched box of pencils from 1942 is gently opened. And spaghetti. No reason. Just… spaghetti.

Apple’s marketing bonanza will echo around the chamber, so much sound and fury, signalling practically nothing.

Ugh, jeez, OK we get it. Like the rent, the hysteria around Apple product announcements is too damned high. Likewise the hysteria around their shortcomings is too high. The Macalope’s not sure that writing about the problem with salacious headlines is really helping to solve it, however. If your Apple product coverage lasts longer than four months, please talk to your editor.

The products will be cool. We will drool over them.

Thus voiding our warranties.

It’s not a cult. Tim Cook is not the messiah.

Well, he got that right.

The messiah is not from Texas.

Just like Cook, who is from Alabama.

Wait.

…Apple, I love you, but you’re bringing me down.

If only there were some kind of quote from a famous author about where the fault lies. Oh, well.