The survey wheel has turned yet again and those who were down are up, those who were up are now down. Thusly, it is time to rush to the conclusion machine.

The Telegraph says: “It’s official: Samsungs are for old people.”

Any time you see the words “It’s official” in a headline you know one thing for sure: It is not in any way official.

Two years ago we were told that Apple was increasingly unpopular with teens and millenials and probably grade schoolers and, ugh, infants, don’t get the Macalope started on how much infants hate Apple products. Give one an iPhone and they’ll try to eat it. That’s how much they hate Apple products.

“Apple is an amazing brand, but it is waning with Millennials,” says Buzz Marketing Group’s Tina Wells…

Is it possible to sue for survey whiplash? Because that was in 2013 and here we are today:

The Korean company’s handsets are most favoured among the over-55s in Britain, while half of millennials own an iPhone.

OW, MY NECK. Of course, the truth of the matter is Buzz Marketing was wrong about Apple then and The Telegraph misunderstands some of this survey now.

Firstly, it’s a survey of only British people. No disrespect to the Empire, but not everyone is British. Benedict Cumberbatch is. Doctor Who. And the Queen, certainly. Also, maybe Hobbits? Tooks and Brandybucks are but only some Bagginses? Not sure how that works. But many others are not British. Like Dirk Benedict and Cher, just to name two and come up with what would have been an amazing late ‘80s TV special. That should have happened. Why didn’t that happen? Possibly Cold War politics. Second, the survey was of smartphone owners. While most millenials probably do own smartphones, it’s still incorrect to say half of all millenials own an iPhone when the people who don’t own smartphones aren’t included in your numbers.

Samsung desperately wants to be hip.

“IS STALKING HIP? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL US WHAT IS HIP. WE HAVE NOT ONLY NO IDEA, WE HAVE A NEGATIVE IDEA.”

When you look across age groups of those surveyed, the older the age group, the higher Samsung’s share. That is a true thing you can see from the data. This, however, is not:

As mobile users get older, they become less engaged with their smartphones.

They increasingly turn to knitting, listening to angry talk radio shows, and slowly decaying.

No. The survey is a point in time. It doesn’t take into account the aging of “mobile users,” finding they eventually get tired of online interaction and suddenly feel the urge to feed pigeons in the park. Today’s older demographic simply did not come up using mobile devices. Older people 20 years from now will probably prefer mobile devices to the brain implants that will surely be popular. “It’s all brain implants these days!” they’ll shout at dogs and bushes.

The same thing also probably explains why older people skew more toward Samsung, HTC and Nokia than younger users. Those devices tend to be cheaper and are pushed by carriers as replacements for feature phones. When you don’t place emphasis on mobile computing, you’re more likely to take whatever phone is cheaper.

So there you have it. Sorry Samsung, you’re just not as cool at the moment.

Old people cannot be cool. Seems kind of unfair as Samuel L. Jackson has been elegible for an AARP card for years but the Macalope doesn’t make the rules. People who write up surveys make the rules.

Well, the Macalope looks forward to being back here in two years when a third survey tells us, whoops, it’s actually Apple that’s not cool.